“Ako’y Nag-iisa, Walang Nagmamahal”

30-minute Radio Drama
page 1 of 17
1 MUSIC: "Ako’y Nag-iisa. Walang Nagmamahal" THEME
2 SFX: DOOR OPENS
3 PAUL: Kayo ho ba ang namamhala ng police station na ito?
4 CASTRO: Oho, Sir.
5 SFX: FOOTSTEPS TO BAUTISTA
6 PAUL: Sino ho ba’ng in-charge dito?
7 BAUTISTA: Sandali lang, Sir. Paano kayo nakapunta dito?
8 PAUL: Pumasok ako. Teka, sino ba’ng boss dito?
9 BAUTISTA: Squad room ho ito. Kung may reklamo ho kayo, ibigay niyo 10 na lang po sa desk sergeant.
11 PAUL: Wag na – Ayaw ko siyang distorbohin. Natutulog siya.
12 BAUTISTA: Tulog si Hidalgo! Sandali, sasabihin kong...
13 PAUL: Umupo ka nga muna.
14 CASTRO: Bautista...may baril siya!
15 MUSIC: HIT “A Ghost Between Us Instrumental” by Lacuna Coil and
16 Nightwish
17 PAUL: Oo nga...May baril ako – Eh ano ngayon?—At ito ay isang 18 police station – Ano ngayon? Kaya umupo lang kayo. May 19 dapat akong sabihin sa inyo!
20 KELLY: Sandali lang ho sir ... Nababaliw na ho ata kayo! Pupunta
21 punta ka dito tapos tatakutin mo kami gamit yang baril mo.
page 2 of 17
1 PAUL: Siguro nga nababaliw na ako. Pero alam ko kung anong
2 ginagawa ko.
3 CASTRO: Hindi ... hindi ka makakapag-hold up sa isang police station!
4 PAUL: Tumahimik ka! Wala akong kailangan sa inyo mga
5 hunghang! At wala rin akong irereklamo...
6 BAUTISTA: Sir...
7 PAUL: Itaas niyo ang mga kamay niyo!
8 BAUTISTA: Hindi ako gagalaw.
9 CASTRO: Sir...hindi ito nakakatuwa.
10 PAUL: Tahimik!—Nagsasalita ako-may ibibigay pa nga akong
11 regalo sa inyo eh.
12 CASTRO: Sandali lang po....
13 PAUL: Uupo lang kayo diyan at makikinig, tapos may sampung
14 libong piso na kayo. (PAUSE) Ngayon, sino ang boss dito?
15 CASTRO: Siya...siya po.
16 BAUTISTA: Hindi ako.
17 CASTRO: Siya si Hepe Bautista. Sarhento lamang ako.
18 PAUL: Hepe pala ha? Anong problema, Hepe? (PAUSE) Mabuti na 19 rin yun kasi ayokong sumuko sa mga katulad ninyo.
20 BAUTISTA: Susuko ka na?
21 PAUL: May pabuyang sampung libong piso para sa kidnapper ni
22 Amanda Ayala. Tama ba ako?
page 3 of 17
1 CASTRO: Ikaw ba ang gumawa nun?
2 BAUTISTA: Saan na siya?
3 PAUL: Uh-uh. Nakalimutan niyo na ata na may baril ako.
4 Nakalimutan niyo na rin ata na ako ang nagsasalita dito.
5 Umupo ka, Hepe.
6 CASTRO: Umaamin ka ba?
7 PAUL: Parang ganun na nga kung ganun ang tining niyo. Oo, yun
8 ang kwento ng buhay ko. At magugulat kayo. Alam niyo ba 9 kung bakit?
10 BAUTISTA: Sandali lang po...
11 PAUL: Magugulat kayo. (SLIGHT PAUSE) Ako si Santos.
12 CASTRO: (PAUSE) (WHISPERS) Paul Santos.
13 BAUTISTA: Ikaw ang pumatay sa kanya. Ikaw ang pumatay sa babae . 14 Ikaw ang pumatay kay Amanda Ayala!
15 PAUL: Kilala mo pala ako.
16 CASTRO: Mamamatay tao ka.
17 PAUL: (PAUSE) Mamamatay tao, Hepe Bautista. Gusto mo bang 18 marinig ang kwento ko? Ikukuwento ko yun sa paraan ko.
19 BAUTISTA: Sabihin mo lang...Pinatay mo ba siya, Paul?
20 PAUL: Tahimik! At wag kayong gumalaw...makinig lang kayo.
21 Magsisimula ako sa kapanganakan ko at wag kayong
22 papalag.
page 4 of 17
1 CASTRO: (MAGREREACT) O sige...Di kami papalag.
2 MUSIC: FADE IN “CONSPIRACY THEORY” by CARTER
3 BURWELL SUSTAIN FOR A FEW SECONDS , THEN
4 THEN FADE UNDER FOR:
5 PAUL: Lagi kong iniisip kung kelan ako pinanganak...Siguro nga
6 mahal ako ng nanay ko. O kaya hiniling na lamang niyang
7 sana patay na ako. Hindi siya nabuhay ng matagal para
8 malaman ko ang sagot sa mga tanong ko. Nung namantay
9 siya napunta ako sa mga masasama kong tiyuhin at tiyahin
10 na may haling na kaluluwa. Oo, sina Tiya Donna at Tiyo
11 Boy. Pareho sila. Magkamukha nga sila eh...Mukha silang 12 mga bulok na lechugas! Maliit pa lamang ako ng dinala ako 13 sa kanila, hindi ko nga alam kong anong wala ako. Nung
14 nwebe anyos na ako, may nakita akong kuting... (MUSIC
15 OUT)...isang marumi at sakiting kuting...
16 TIYA DONNA: (PASIGAW) Paul! Paul Santos! Ano na naming
17 pinaglalaruan mo dyan?
18 PAUL: (BATA) Isang kuting lang po.
19 SFX: SAMPAL
20 DONNA: Paano ka magsalita sa akin?
21 PAUL: Pasensaya na po, Ma'am.
22 JOHAN: (FOURTEEN) Napulot niya lang yan sa tabi-tabi, Mama.
page 5 of 17
1 DONNA: Ilayo mo yan, Paul Santos! Ilayo mo yan bilis.
2 JOHAN: Sabi ko sayo eh.
3 PAUL: Pakiusap, ma'am...ito po’y...
4 DONNA: Narinig mo ako diba?!
5 PAUL: Hindi naman ho ito pabigat eh. Pakiusap ho.
6 SOUND: SAMPAL
7 DONNA: Narinig mo ako! Ilayo mo yan...yang maruming yan! At
8 kung makikita ko pa yan ulit, ipabubugbog kita sa tiyuhin
9 mo.
10 SFX: DOOR SLAM
11 JOHAN: Anong gagawin mo dyan, Paul?
12 PAUL: Hindi ko alam. Wala siguro.
13 JOHAN: Pwede natin yang pagkatuwaan. Lagyan mo ng tali ang
14 buntot niyan.
15 PAUL: Wag, ayoko.
16 JOHAN: Bahala ka. Masaya ‘to.
17 PAUL: Sabi ko, huwag. (PAUSE) Tingnan mo!
18 JOHAN: Bakit? Anong meron diyan?
19 PAUL: Tumutunog siya ... parang makina.
20 JOHAN: Ah, yan ba – ganyan talaga ang mga pusa.
21 PAUL: Bakit naman?
22 JOHAN: Gingawa yan ng mga pusa kapag masaya sila.
page 6 of 17
1 PAUL: Masaya ang kuting? Dahil sa ano?
2 JOHAN: Baka tingin niya papakainin mo siya.
3 PAUL: Ah, oo nga. (PAUSE) Ano bang kinakain ng mga pusa,
4 pinsan?
5 JOHAN: Huwag na! Dapat mo ng ilayo yan dito!
6 PAUL: Tinatanong kita, ano bang kinakain ng mga pusa?
7 JOHAN: Narinig mo naman si Mama diba? Gusto mong alagaan yan, 8 at papakainin mo pa. Patay ka talaga!
9 PAUL: Wala akong pakialam.
10 JOHAN: Hindi mo itatago yan?
11 PAUL: Itatago ko ito. Itatago ko ito sa lugar na di niya malalaman.
12 JOHAN: Baliw ka na talaga.
13 PAUL: Hindi ako baliw. Itatago ko ito. Gusto niya ako.
14 JOHAN: Gusto ka ng isang pusa?
15 PAUL: Bakit naman siya maglalambing? Gusto ako ng kuting na ito.
16 JOHAN: Aw, Hindi kaya. Nagugutom lang yan. Hihinto din yan sa
17 paglalambing. Tingnan mo!
18 PAUL: Ano’ng ginangawa mo, Johan?
19 JOHAN: Tingnan mo ako habang iikut-ikutin ko ang buntot nito.
20 PAUL: Huwag! -- Naku!
21 JOHAN: Huwag ka ngang makialam!
22 PAUL: (NAIIYAK) Natatakot na siya! Tingnan mo!
page 7 of 17
1 JOHAN: (SISIGAW) Paul! Paul, Anong ginagawa mo?
2 MUSIC: FADE IN “TREATY” by CARTER BURWELL SUSTAIN 3 FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN FADE UNDER FOR:
4 PAUL: Nararamdaman ko ang nararamdaman ng kuting na yun...
5 Kung takot sya, tumititig siya. Pero wala akong nagawa para 6 sa kanya (MUSIC OUT) (BULONG) Wala...
7 MUSIC: (FADES IN, THEN FADES)
8 PAUL: Hindi ako nandidiring...pumatay. Madali lang yun.
9 MUSIC: BRIDGE...THEN TO BACKGROUND...UNDER:
10 PAUL: Pagkatapos nun, isang araw pumatay ako ng palaka.
11 Sumunod na araw, paru-paro naman. Lagi akong may
12 pinapatay araw-araw...Natural lang yun. Masarap sa
13 pakiramdam... Nagustuhan ko ang pumatay!
14 MUSIC: FADES IN
15 CASTRO: Ngayon, Paul. Wag kang masasabik!
16 PAUL: Bakit di ka na lang tumahimik! Pagkatapos kong magkaroon 17 ng mga tamang koneksyon sa iba’t ibang tao, nalaman kong 18 may puwang pa pala sa mundo ang mga taong katulad ko.
19 May trabaho pa ring nakaabang sa mga taong hindi
20 nagdadalawang isip na pumatay. Marami akong nakukuhang 21 pera sa trabahong ito... Ikaw, magkano ba sinusweldo mo?
22 MUSIC: OUT
page 8 of 17
1 BAUTISTA: Saan mo ba talaga iniwan si Amanda Ayala?
2 PAUL: Pwede ba tumahimik ka na lang – o baka gusto mong isali
3 kita sa listahan ng mga pinatay ko?
4 BAUTISTA: Wah! Wag, Paul.
5 CASTRO: Pero saan mo ba siya pinatay, Paul?
6 PAUL: Sasabihin ko kung saan.
7 CASTRO: Sige...sige...pero --
8 PAUL: Sino bang nagsasalita dito? Umupo nga lang kayo at
9 makinig!
10 MUSIC: FADES IN
11 PAUL: Pakinggan niyo ang mga sasabihin ko. Iba ang sa lahat ang 12 mga mga nangyari kay Amanda Ayala!
13 MUSIC: OUT
14 CASTRO: Sandali lamang Santos... (NINENERBYOS) at mag-ingat 15 ka sa baril na yan.
16 PAUL: Lagi akong nag-iingat, Sarhento.
17 CASTRO: (NINENERBYOS PA RIN) May..May nagpadala ba sayo
18 para patayin si Amanda Ayala?
19 PAUL: Alam niyo, hindi ko naman talaga dapat siyang patayin.
20 Pinadala ako para duukutin siya. Yun lang ang dapat kong
21 gawin...alamin kung sino ang nasa bahay ng mga Ayala at
22 kung nag-iisa ba ang babae. Malaking trabaho yun.
page 9 of 17
1 SFX: DOOR OPENS
2 MANANG: Anong kailangan mo?
3 PAUL: Naghahanap po ako ng trabaho, sir...
4 MANANG: Wala kang mahahanap dito.
5 PAUL: Baka pwede po akong maging tagapag-linis ng bakod. O
6 baka pwede ho ako magmaneho.
7 MANANG: Wala...wala akong mabibigay na trabaho sayo.
8 PAUL: Baka may kilala ho kayong pwede kong mapagtanungan?
9 AMANDA: (TUMATAWAG) Manang..Manang..sinong kausap mo?
10 MANANG: Isang mama lang ho, Miss Amanda. Naghahanap lang po ng 11 trabaho.
12 AMANDA: Oh? Anong klaseng trabaho?
13 PAUL: Kahit ano ho, ma'am. Kahit ano. Magka-college na ho ako at 14 gusto ko po sana mag summer job. Pero may sakit po ako sa 15 likod kaya dip o ako pwede sa mga mabibigat na gawain.
16 AMANDA: Ah, ganun ba. Well, baka may maibigay ako sayo.
17 Tatanungin ko muna si Daddy.
18 MANANG: Miss Amanda.....
19 AMANDA: Wala si Daddy dito sa bahay ngayon. Pero kung gusto mo
20 maghintay...
21 PAUL: O sige po. Maghihintay po ako.
22 AMANDA: Pwede kang pumasok sa loob ng bahay, ginoo...
page 10 of 17
1 PAUL: Uh...Castillo. Paul Castillo.
2 AMANDA: Pasok, Paul. Manananghalian n asana ako. Baka gusto mong 3 sumalo.
4 MUSIC: FADE IN “THE MOST DANGEROUS PREDATOR” by
5 CARTER BURWELL SUSTAIN FOR A FEW SECONDS, 6 THEN FADE UNDER FOR:
7 PAUL: Sa mahigit isang oras nasa loob lang ako. Marami akong
8 naisip. Ang kwartong kinainan namin, napakaganda. At ang 9 pagkain napakasarap. Galit nag alit ako. Hindi ko siya
10 matingnan. Di ko siya makausap. Pero parang hindi niya
11 nahalata kung anong nangyayari sa akin. Parang hindi siya
12 natakot. (PAUSE) Nakita mo na ba si Miss Amanda? Maliit 13 siya. Napakaganda ng boses niya. Wala pa akong
14 nakikilalang tulad niya maliban sa mga nababasa ko sa aking 15 mga aklat. Mahilig akong magbasa. At hindi ko kaya kapag 16 hindi siya natatakot sa akin. Gusto ko siyang piliting matakot 17 sa akin tulad ng ibang mga babae...(MUSIC OUT)
18 AMANDA: Hindi ka kumakain, Paul.
19 PAUL: Nag-iisip ako.
20 AMANDA: Ah, talaga?
21 PAUL: Hindi ka ba natatakot?
22 AMANDA: Natatakot?
page 11 of 17
1 PAUL: Na mag-isa ka lang kasama ang isang taong di mo kilala.
2 AMANDA: Takot sayo?
3 PAUL: Maraming babae ang natatakot sa akin.
4 AMANDA: (NATATAWA) Bakit? Mapanganib ka ba?
5 PAUL: Hindi ko alam. Ganun ang tingin ng maraming babae sa
6 akin. Ano kayang meron sa akin.
7 AMANDA: Oh...aswang ka ba?
8 PAUL: Hindi ah. Hindi, hindi yan ang ibig kong sabihin.
9 AMANDA: Kung aswang ka nga. Tingin ko mabait ka. Pinakamabait sa
10 tingin ko.
11 PAUL: Hindi yan ang ibig kong sabihin. At hindi mo ako kilala.
12 AMANDA: Nakakatawa nga eh. Pakiramdam ko kilala kita. Parang
13 matagal na kitang kilala.
14 SFX: MAHUHULOG ANG TINIDOR SA PLATO
15 AMANDA: Anong problema, Paul?
16 PAUL: Wala. Walang problema. Aalis na lang siguro ako.
17 AMANDA: Hindi mo nab a hihintayin si Daddy? Malapit na siyang
18 dumating.
19 PAUL: Hindi na, hindi na siguro ako magtatagal.
20 AMANDA: Pero...sabi mo...
21 PAUL: Naalala ko, may dapat akong puntahan mamayang alas dos.
22 AMANDA: (Nalulungkot) Oh. Ganun ba. Kung babalik ka bukas...
page 12 of 17
1 PAUL: Ganun na nga. Babalik ako bukas.
2 AMANDA: Mas mabuti nga siguro yan. Kakausapin ko si Daddy tungkol 3 sayo. At sigurado ako bibigyan ka niya ng trabaho.
4 PAUL: Sige. Maraming salamat.
5 AMANDA: Pero babalik ka? Pangako?
6 PAUL: Oo naman. Babalik ako.
7 MUSIC: FADE IN “PHASCINATION PHRASE” by CARTER
8 BURWELL SUSTAIN FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN TO 9 BACKGROUND
10 PAUL: Hindi ko talaga maintindihan...Kung bakit ang isang babaeng 11 katulad niya ay hindi natatakot na makasama ako. At
12 pagkatapos, binalaan ko pa siya. Sinubukan ko siyang
13 bigyan ng babala, hindi ba? Pero tiningnan niya ako...sa mga 14 mata ko...ang maga mata niya’y nanatiling maamo na parang 15 iba ang tinitingnan niya. Parang akong nanghina. Napansin 16 yun nga iba. (PAUSE) Pero dapat kong harapin ang
17 katotohanan. Dapat ko siyang takutin. Dapat ko siyang
18 patayin.
19 MUSIC: FADES UP, THEN FADE UNDER FOR:
20 PAUL: Bumalik ako sa bahay nila. Gabing-gabi na yun, pero bukas
21 pa rin ang mga pintuan at ang mga ilaw...at sa sandaling yun, 22 pumasok ako sa harapang pinto.
page 13 of 17
1 MUSIC: (OUT)
2 SFX: KATOK
3 AMANDA: Aalis na ako, Daddy.
4 SFX: BUBUKAS NA PINTO
5 AMANDA: Bakit...Paul...
6 PAUL: Hello, Miss Amanda....
7 AMANDA: Pumunta ka...Pumunta ka ba para kay Daddy? Hindi ko pa
8 siya nakakausap.
9 PAUL: Hindi, pumunta ako para sayo.
10 AMANDA: Bakit, Ako..
11 PAUL: Pumunta ako para kunin ka.
12 AMANDA: Kunin ako?
13 PAUL: Oo. Hindi mo ba naaalala? Bumalik ako gaya ng sabi mo.
14 Ilalayo kita.
15 AMANDA: Gaya ng sabi ko?
16 PAUL: Ganun na nga. Ngayon, nakukuha mo na ang tamang tingin. 17 May takot na sa mga tingin mo.
18 AMANDA: Wag, Paul! Paul, pakiusap, sinasaktan mo na ako.
19 PAUL: Hindi, Hindi kita sinasaktan, Amanda. Tama lang ito para
20 tingnan mo ako ng ganyan. At hindi ka na masasaktan kapag
21 pinatay na kita.
22 AMANDA: Kapag..Paul! Paul, maawa ka.
page 14 of 17
1 PAUL: Nasabi ko na. Kapag pinatay na kita.
2 AMANDA: Hindi! (SUMISIGAW) Daddy! Tulong! Tulong!
3 (SUMISIGAW)
4 MUSIC: FADE UP “ALERT THE ARMORY INTRO” by
5 URBANDUB SUSTAIN FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN
6 FADE OUT FOR:
7 PAUL: Lumaban siya nung pinasok ko siya sa kotse. Tinapon ko
8 siya sa front seat at pagkatapos nun hindi na siya gumalaw.
9 Umupo siya dun habang tumititig sa daan. Hindi na ako
10 nagsalita pa. Nag-isip ako at nagmaneho ng mabilis. Nag-
11 isip ako kung paano ko siya papatayin, at pinag-isipan ko rin 12 kung nasa hideout na kami. Nasaan yun? Nasa tuktok ng
13 bundok, at gusto ko dun.
14 PAUL: Pasok. Diretsuhin mo lang ang lakad at tumayo ka ng tuwid.
15 AMANDA: Pero ... Madilim dito.
16 PAUL: May kandila dito.
17 SFX: POSPORO
18 PAUL: Ayan. Ngayon, pumasok ka na at umupo.
19 AMANDA: Sa sahig?
20 PAUL: (GALIT) Oo, sa sahig. Anong gusto mo? Komportableng
21 lugar? Tulad ng bahay niyo? Bakit di mo sabihin kung anong 22 gusto mo?
page 15 of 17
1 AMANDA: Paul, ano bang problema. May nagawa ba ako sayo?
2 PAUL: Wala. Wala kang ginawa sa akin.
3 AMANDA: Pero bakit...bakit, Paul?
4 PAUL: Sige...sabihin mo. Bakit kita papatayin?
5 AMANDA: Oo.
6 PAUL: Ano ba naming klaseng katanungan yan. Kailangan kitang
7 patayin.
8 AMANDA: Pero bakit?
9 PAUL: Kailangan kitang kausapin..May sasabihin akong maraming
10 bagay..maraming bagay...
11 AMANDA: Pakiusap, Paul.
12 PAUL: Gusto kong malaman ang mararamdaman mo bago ka
13 mamatay..Mahawakan ka ng ganito. Mahal mo ba ako,
14 Amanda?
15 AMANDA: Mahal kita?
16 PAUL: Oo. Tinatanong kita.
17 AMANDA: Hindi. Syempre hindi kita mahal.
18 PAUL: Alam ko. Walang nagmamahal sa akin. Wala talagang
19 nagmahal sa akin... maliban lang isang kuting noon. Galit sa
20 akin ang lahat, Amanda.
21 AMANDA: Pero hindi din ako galit sayo.
22 PAUL: Ah ganun? Nakakatawa. May naisip tuloy ako. Alam mo
page 16 of 17
1 kung ano?
2 AMANDA: Paul, paano mo... ?
3 PAUL: Hindi, mahalaga ito...Makinig ka..Ganito yan. Tumira ako
4 dito. At nagbabasa ako ng mga aklat...magagandang aklat.
5 The Librarary Hub. Alam mo ba yun?
6 AMANDA: Oo, alam ko.
7 PAUL: May nabasa akong libro ni Oscar Wilde kung saan sinabi
8 niya na papatayin ng isang tao ang bagay na gusto niya. Yan
9 na nga ang ginagawa ko.
10 AMANDA: Hindi, Paul – Hindi mo ako mahal!
11 PAUL: Hindi mo naiintindihan. Sasabihin kung anong ibig kong
12 sabihin. Gaya ng sabi ko, walang nagmamahal sa akin...pero 13 nakakatanggap din ako ng pagmamahal. Kasi kung papatayin 14 na kita... Amanda...Wala ng matitira sa mundo para sa akin 15 kundi ikaw. Papatayin kita, Amanda!
16 MUSIC: FADES IN UNDER AND BACKGROUND
17 PAUL: Narinig mo ang sinabi ko, Amanda. Papatayin kita!
18 AMANDA: (BUBULONG) Kawawa ka naman, Paul.
19 PAUL: Ano..anong sinabi mo?
20 AMANDA: Nasaktan ka. Nasaktan ka ng labis. Patawad
21 MUSIC: BRIDGE
22 PAUL: At yun na nga ang nangyari.
Page 17 of 17
1 CASTRO: Pero saan mo iniwan ang katawan niya, Paul?
2 PAUL: Ano bang sinsabi mo?
3 CASTRO: Matapos mo siyang patayin..
4 PAUL: Sinong may sabing pinatay ko siya.
5 CASTRO: Ang sabi mo...
6 PAUL: Makinig ka nga, ulol...Yun na nga ang nangyari. Kaya ako
7 sumuko dito. Walang ibang nagmamahal sa akin, kundi ang
8 kuting na iyon..at nung natakot siya, kinalmot niya ako at
9 kinailangan ko siyang patayin. Pero si Miss Amanda, iba
10 siya. Hindi siya natakot sa akin.
11 BAUTISTA: Hindi ko naiintindihan..
12 PAUL: Tiningnan ako ni Miss Amanda.... at alam niya kung ano
13 talaga ako..Bulok..pero naawa siya sa akin. Tingin ko muntik 14 na akong napamahal sa kanya.
15 SFX: PHONE RINGS
16 PAUL: Sige sagutin mo na, Sarhento. Tingin ko tatay niya yan,
17 sasabihing nakauwi na si Amanda. At pwede mo na rin
18 akong ikulong, Hepe. Kailangan ko nang matulog. Gustong-
19 gusto ko nang matulog.


>>> This is my Tagalog-adaptation of the Radio Drama "Nobody Loves Me" from the Radio Program "Mystery in the Air"

“How Education Shaped Me” (A Cultural Autobiography)

Photo courtesy of  http://www.educationfuture.info/

I have spent my whole life living like a frightened dog. I’ve grown the need to guard my words and actions whenever my parents are around or not. I have always lived my entire life succumbing to what they want though we feel so trapped by their maze. Does that sound like life for you? I bet it’s not, but for me it is. I just hope it won’t carry on until the remaining years of my life.

Childhood has never been fun for me. As a child, I was a silent and a shy type. I never had my own circle of friends. I didn’t know if they don’t like me or it’s just me who didn’t want to mingle with them. Unlike any other kid, friendship for me was unimportant. For me it was something I could live without.

I remember my teacher in Kinder 2 telling my mother that I was too fond of drawing even in class. I drew thin princesses, flowers and mansions even when recess and play time. I couldn’t stand not doing it even for a short while. I didn’t feel the need to go out of the classroom and run around the play ground.

Drawing different things was like my outlet and shock absorber. It helps me release all my anxieties as a child. In my pieces of drawing, I was a princess who has many friends. I had a beautiful and classy name, and everyone wants to be with me. I lived in a castle with my wealthy family. Those were my fantasies drawn in my pad papers and notebooks. It used to be my source of joy. I loved it that much that I didn't want to do anything else aside from it. It’s like my pieces were as big as life. Everything in it felt surreal. It made my life easier despite my apprehensions as a loner and a late bloomer.

Growing up at home was difficult for me. It feels as if I was too contained within the four walls of our house. We weren't allowed to go out from the borders of our lot. I didn’t even have any friends from the neighborhood. I grew accustomed being a home body. I guess it will never be removed from me anymore. That was why the only hobby I had as a child was drawing and nothing else.

When I was young, I was taught to honor God and do things according to His will. I studied in a seventh day Adventist academy from Kinder until Grade 4. Basically, I spent my childhood days there. We were always tasked to familiarize different Bible characters and their exemplifying stories. My teachers told us the wonders of God, and that we should obey His commandments.

I belong in a Christian home. My mother brought up my sisters and me the conservative and Godly way. Every Sunday, we had to wake up early and get ourselves ready by nine for the praise and worship service, as we call it. We were also invited to join the Sunday school which I also learned to love. I was one of those who knew a lot about Bible facts. For that, our teacher always gave me due recognition which gave me a chance to be number one in children’s Sunday school.

Unlike in church, I wasn't number one at school until my mother decided to transfer me to a public school. I didn't like that idea because of some factors. I didn’t want to be away from those few kids, I considered as friends. I also despise public schools back then because I thought they were below average. Eventually, I still gave in because I didn’t have any control over those matters.

The new school was far from the old school I used to attend to. It was grassy, and the buildings looked too old. I didn’t like the facilities. I remember when our adviser told my mother that we were required to clean our classrooms and gardens every morning. I hated it because we were not like that in private school. That was the first time I had to hold a “bolo”. Not just even holding it, I had to use it too. We had to dig and cultivate soil for our garden. We were not allowed to rest when it’s still time to clean. That’s the only ting I hate in public elementary schools.

To my surprise, that school proved me wrong. As days passed, I learned that it was well-known in producing successful students. They always sent delegates in competitions who were constant winners. From that school, I was trained how to write a composition. One of the best teachers in that school even offered me a position in our school paper. That was one of the most memorable days of my life as a student. Se gave me a chance to prove myself from the field I never thought I would belong to- journalism.

In the private school attended, I was just nothing but in the public school used to despise, I was one of the best. They honed and developed my skills as a writer. They let me join press conferences and quiz shows. I am proud to say that I was always one of the winners, not to mention being a champion. I learned a lot of thins from that school. Things that were not just spoon-fed, but things I learned by myself. Because of those achievements, I became the class valedictorian. My classmates even called me “The Walking Dictionary” for being the constant highest in spelling quizzes.

I could really say I grew up striving for achievements. I was not born with a golden spoon, but I was proud to have been gifted with such knowledge and skills which made me excel in class. My classmates in my old school were still the same old them while I exceeded and came pass their way. Right then I thought that I may not be as rich as them but I was more functional than them. It’s pretty obvious that I really had that insecure way of thinking, but I admit that it’s true.

As I grew up, I became insecure with what others had that I didn’t have. I was a silent girl that’s why I had a lot of insecurities. I always wanted to speak confidently but unfortunately, I wasn’t trained to be that way. I dreamed of becoming part of a debating team but again I was not blessed to have wit. Fro the past years, I have always been tagged as the quiet and mysterious girl. It still hasn’t changed until now, and I think it’s not quite good.

Though others may find it hard, I had learned to love remaining a private person. I don’t go out with friends. I don’t hang out to loud places. I don’t have any vice too. I am a conservative person, but I would like to believe that I have a mature mind. I am open to different things. I don’t even hesitate to talk about sensitive matters.

I guess it’s true that I am truly a deviant of my family. Among my sisters, I am the only one who openly disagrees with what my parents make of us. I don’t like the way they handle us. They are too strict, not to let us out even when we needed it especially at school. I have been disobeying them for the past years without them knowing about it. It may be so mean but I just grew tires of their rules.

My parents began not to give high expectations on me when I reached high school. I stopped being an achiever. I wasn’t part of the honor students, though I luckily became part of the first section. I realized that my time really passes, that’s why I eventually gave up. I didn’t become part of the limelight until I was in 4th year.

In college, I became more rebellious that I even joined a sorority though I was not allowed to. The moment I said yes to my masters made a turning point in my life. I became more aggressive with the way I deal with my parents. That’s what I got from mingling with my former clique- being violent. Because of them, I was about to try some vices like smoking, which I’m not really used to. It was from them where I learned being intense with the way I expressed my opinions and grieves. I tend to say things that are beyond the boundaries of what is accepted by the many.

However, that aggressiveness I used to have, mellowed down when issues came up with my membership in that organization. I began to lose my self-esteem again because everybody started to hate me and call me names. That was the worst situation I ever encountered. I had an inconsistent type of culture which made my identity crises a lot more difficult to deal with. It’s hard because I jumped from one culture to another trying to find out which of them I feel sincerely belong.

What I like most about being in UP is that, everything has that certain depth. It’s not just superficial display only. There are always deeper reasons why something happens. In UP, I learned to use my logic as much as possible especially in looking at the intricacies of a concept or situation. A statement or explanation is not sufficient enough if it’s done without rationality.

The worst thing in UP is that, I developed the character of being snobbish especially to non-UP students. I have the tendency to diminish them. Even the freshmen are also victims of this kind of trait. We make them feel that they should respect the upper class men. I think it’s but normal for UP students to behave that way. We try to live what are expected of us. They overestimate us, and so we try to prove them right. It’s wrong but has already become part of my culture as a UP student.

Despite that UP character, there’s still that factor that put me to my proper place, it’s my fear. I get intimidated with UP professors. It’s like I don’t know anything sensible whenever they are in front, speaking about different things that are new to me. Back in high school, I was one of the best writers, but now I think I am one of the worst. I can’t help but sell myself short whenever I encounter professors in UP. They’re really up there, and I’m down here. Maybe that’s the reason why I look down on others, because I also look down on myself when I’m in UP.

There really are different things that best define my culture. I have learned a good number of values at home and in church, though I also lost some outside those areas. I also admit that I have gained maturity when I began to get along with diverse personalities, and I think it’s one of the good things I am proud of. I may look sensitive and reserved, but actually I’m not. I have gone through instances that sharpened and shaped the way I am now.